Hindsight

Recently, I was on a “life high” even though it was coupled with a very deep low. I was able to make sense of a lot of “things” and dreams were being realized, miracles were being witnessed, and I was on the cusp of such huge “life things.” I remember a friend’s daughter hit a low point and I emailed her to encourage her. I was walking through some significant issues but I was at a point where hindsight was on my side and was able to try and share what I had learned over the past few years. Even though events were painful and those events seemed to eclipse the joy every now and then, I could see how God had carefully orchestrated where I was to that point. I was coming to the end of a long long long waiting period. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could almost touch the finish line.

I’ve come to realize that God only grants us the gift of hindsight. Being able to look in life’s rearview mirror is enough for me to trust that, although it is difficult, foresight is unnecessary when I fully trust that God’s plans for me are so much greater than I can even fathom. I probably wouldn’t even believe it anyway if I had a glimpse into the future. I was at a point where it was easier (it’s never easy, is it?!??) to recognize how smaller events and experiences made up the larger plan unfolding like all the essential border pieces of a puzzle that help you build your structure.

Then, I hit a bump in the road. I’m careful not to post too much about the visa process as it not only involves me and it’s not solely my story to tell. I’ll just say that the bump caused me to come to a screeching halt. Screeching as in feet in the ground AND screeching out of my mouth, screeching the unholiest of vocabulary. What. Happened. Excuse me, God, we were on the “downhill slide” so I thought.

I was back on the roller coaster again. I hadn’t asked to go on another ride but I found myself soaring through ups and downs and blasting through a range of emotions. “I got this. No biggie. I trust” quickly changed to “Oh #$% it’s not in me. I can’t. I’m exhausted.”  Luckily, some amazing support people started to move and intercede on my behalf. I couldn’t do it. But God could. They could. Slowly and surely, I was back up, broken but beginning to heal from disappointment, confusion, anger, fear, and the list goes on. I realized that I had to take a dose of my own medicine--heed my own advice. I looked back at the events that led me to today. We’ve literally witnessed miracles through this visa journey. We have favor. We have been spoiled by God’s goodness. This “obstacle” is another part of our story that must happen. It’s another “let this cup pass” moment, but I know it can’t. There’s more to our story, and I know another miracle must be around the corner. I’ve asked for it, and I’m expecting it.

Along with the gift of hindsight, I’ve been able to keep trudging through the thick of waiting because of a few recurring dreams I had. When I had them (4 total), I knew they were important and I knew they were for a future time. They all had different “settings” but the events were the same. In each one, I was at an intersection and a dark road lay before me. All of the other roads were light except the one that took me “home” or to my destination. I had to walk through darkness, unable to see obstacles and unrecognizable images who sought to distract me or persuade me from continuing to my destination. I could not see how far the road stretched. In none of the dreams had I ever reached my destination. In two, I woke myself up screaming, too fearful of what grabbed at me in the darkness. In one of the dreams (3rd), a presence stood next to me as I wearily faced yet another dark road. I was exhausted. I had enough energy to muster “Not again. Not another one.”  I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other to even face the daunting challenge. The “faceless” presence told me that He would give me a glimpse of what was at the end of the road but I could not see any of the road itself. I remember seeing myself and being astonished as I watched a playful version of me in a vast ocean. I had never seen myself so happy. I was laughing like a child and overcome with joy. When I got to this past disappointment, familiarity rose from the disbelief. I’ve been here before. I can’t and won’t see the road but I know I have to keep facing forward and walk at the pace with which I am able minute by minute. I know that this path will be somewhat forgotten when I reach my destination, and I know that acknowledging and feeling it right now are crucial to my/our story. I know there’s a joy that I’ve never known and a happiness that will be new that I will experience at the perfect time. 

As usual, this brings me back to Habakkuk 2:3, a verse that I recite to myself on a daily basis.

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;

    it speaks of the end

    and will not prove false.

Though it linger, wait for it;

    it will certainly come

    and will not delay.

Are you waiting for something?

Regarding the future, I bank on Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” When I need something tangible, I look in my rearview mirror.

Ever so grateful for my support "people"! You know who you are.

Danielle